The Gospel According To Tolkien
by Abigail the Jedi
Summary: And yea, the Lord Tolkien, father of all that is good in the world, proclaimed unto the masses...
1. Default Chapter

Dedicated to all Geeks everywhere.

**The Gospel According To Tolkien**

And yea, the Lord Tolkien, father of all that is good in the world, proclaimed unto the masses, There is no allegory. There is no bomb. There is no relationship between Frodo and Sam, it is platonic. But the masses ignored his word and continued to draw conclusions. So the Lord Tolkien said, Oh, go sod off!

So the deplorable cultus did sod off and create the Church of the Fantasy Geeks. And the Geeks went forth unto the people and sought to convert them in their ignorance. But the people did not heed the good word of the Geeks and persecuted them mercilessly. And thus the Geeks became the forsaken ones.

In the year of our hobbit 1977, two momentous events did occur. Firstly, the most high and holy trilogy was made into an animated movie, which righteously sucked. Yet, so miserable were the Geeks that they clung to it in their misery. Secondly, the false prophet George Lucas came among them spreading discontent with his Star Wars . Strife grew among the Geeks and many broke off to form a new sect of Geek known as the Sci-Fi Nerds.

Those were the dark times of persecution and fear. Many Geeks took jobs in middle management, yet they read to their children out of the holy books and raised them to be devout Geeks. They became the Hidden Children for where ever they went openly the young Geeks were scorned mightily. No true record yet exists of how many geeks were martyred in the name of high school conformity. The dark times continued thusly for many long years and although the Geeks cried forth and wept for deliverance (and some well placed smiting) the messiah did not come.

In the 1990 s however, the books of Potter appeared and yea some believed the author to be a predecessor to the messiah and so they hailed her. It was in these times of renewed hope, when the Geeks began to slowly emerge from the shadowy underworld of Internet chatrooms and conventions, that the true messiah arose in New Zealand but they did not know his face. And so he went unseen among them and judged them in need of his help. Yet, when Peter Jackson announced his plan the masses did mock and scorn him and published doom-telling predictions on the Internet.

But, the almighty Jackson did not heed the doubters and proclaimed unto them, Just you wait.

And they said, It can t be done by mortal means.

And Jackson replied, Who said I was going to play by the rules?

And the doubters were silenced.

After years the long awaited day of deliverance arrived and many were caught unawares by the genius and magnificence of the movie. And Peter Jackson spake unto them thusly, Ha! Ha! Told you so! And thrice the cycle of three months of joy and nine months of apprehension did occur and twice were they denied the favors of almighty Oscar. But the third time was the charm and the Academy smiled upon the Geeks. And there was much rejoicing.

And the words of the Lord Tolkien appeared on the Internet. And thusly they proclaimed the commandments of the Geeks.

I. Though shalt not worship any false authors.

II. Thou shalt read of the holy trilogy every year.

III. Thou shalt not be led astray by the dark temptations of the false prophets of science fiction.

IV. Thou shalt count to nine and nine shall be the number of your counting, thou shalt not count to ten nor to eleven.

V. The Hobbits are not gay and neither is anybody else.

VI. Thou shalt not bear false witness against your fellow Geek.

VII. Thou shalt not name your child Bilbo or Galadriel.

VIII. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor s Extended Edition.

IX. Thou shalt own a statue of Gollum and offer sushi unto it.

X. Thou shalt watch all three movies back to back every Sunday.

And the multitudes, upon hearing this pronouncement, rejoiced for they had long been bereft of any direction in their lives. Yet, the movies proved mixed blessings for more converts did appear.

Firstly, came the Fangirls, who spoke thusly, Like, oh my God!!! The guy with the blonde hair and the pointy ears and the pointy flying sticks is like sooo cute!!!!!! I m going to read the books too!! Is Orlando Bloom in the books????? And the Geeks did scorn the Fangirls for their lack of interest in canon and multiple punctuation marks.

Then came the Fanboys who spoke thusly, Dude! The special effects and the gore and the swords and the boom and the whoosh and the blood and the wars! I m going to read the books too! Are there special effects in the books? And the Geeks did scorn them as well.

Soon, the Geeks began to reject all younger Geeks, believing them to be blasphemers in search of blood and hot elves. Yet, some of them had been Geeks long before the movies and they were cast out with rest for the crime of casting a poor reflection.

And the true believers did arise and try to fight back against the rising tide of pop culture but it was in vain. The power of commercialism was too strong and many geeks succumbed to its siren call. Verily, the war between the purists and the rest of the world is being fought even today and so shall it be until the ending of time.

Author s Note: this was written as an assignment in literature class. While it is not an accurate representation of all of my views (I have dabbled in the murky underworld that is slash) it does a pretty good job. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it. If so please leave me a review.


	2. The Tale of Years

**Hail beloved masses! First off let me say that the feedback I have received from this is tremendous and more then I could have possibly dreamed of. You are all wonderful. My birthday was on the 21st and I was going to upload this then in the spirit of Hobbity giving, but then FFNdecided to go all difficult on me. So here is your very belated birthday present. Secondly, I presented this as an original oratory at a speech and debate tournament I went to and was judged by a gentleman who actually had tea with Tolkien as a schoolboy (he also advanced me to semi-finals). Needless to say it was hero worship in the nth degree. Enjoy. (By the way my teacher loved this and I got a 100.) Some of you may find this a teensy bit redundent but bear with me. Here we go. Enjoy.**

The Tale of Years

In the beginning there was naught but The Hobbit. And The Hobbit was deemed good by many but it was not yet mighty. The masses called forth to the Lord Tolkien for more but the Lord was silent. Yet the masses still clamored and the Lord did start to write more of hobbits to placate the people.

_(Here there is much debate among experts as to what actually occurred. Creationists take the belief that The Lord of the Rings sprung fully bound in manuscript form from Tolkien's brain and went straight to the publishers. Those of an evolutionary turn believe that the trilogy was the product of years of work and experimentation, and so it evolved for the Lord Tolkien was a perfectionist. Creationists take great offense at this theory and some of you undoubtedly will do so as well. So the author would like to remind her dear readers that this is a 'theory' only and as such it cannot harm you.)_

The Lord of the Rings was hailed as a masterpiece by some and a travesty by others. Most, however, chose to ignore the holy trilogy and went on with their lives. Yet, the chosen few saw the way and sought to convert the infidels. But the infidels ignored them and the chosen ones were silent and bided their time. And in the gloom of the 1950s The Lord of the Rings waited.

The 1960s came. Individualism crept back into the world; rumor grew of a commune in the West, whispers of a nameless drug in California. And The Lord of the Rings perceived its time had now come. It abandoned the original readers. But then something happened the trilogy did not intend… It was picked up by the hippies.

The hippies did take the trilogy and attempt to pervert it for their own purposes. And thus came the allegory. "The Ring doth symbolize the atom bomb," said some. "Nay," said others, "It symbolizes the machine." "Mordor symbolizes Communism," sayeth others. "Saruman is Hitler," still others said. And the masses clamored and drew too many conclusions and the Lord took offense.

"There is no allegory! There is no bomb! Just leave me alone, will you?" the good Lord cried unto the people but they did not heed him.

And the people became the Geeks. And they went forth with their guitars, and their lovebeeds, and their pirate edition trilogies, and their Jimi Hendrix albums, and their tie dyed shirts, and their 'special mushrooms', and thus they sought to convert the capitalist moneygrubbers. But the capitalist moneygrubbers did not see the way and turned aside the Hippy Geeks who went back to sulk among their lava lamps and black light posters.

And thus the 1960s turned into the 1970s. And the golden age was heralded with mystic signs. "Gandalf for President" proclaimed the pins. "Frodo Lives" proclaimed the subway walls. The Geeks saw these signs and, mistaking their meaning began pilgrimages. And thus they went forth to see the almighty Lord Tolkien.

But, in 1973(OH), the Lord Tolkien, father of all that is good in the world, died. And the people did mourn. A great cry went up amongst the Geeks and they fell upon their knees and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. At the loss of their founder a new belief arose. The Lord Tolkien would be succeeded by a number of prophets who would come forth and make the Geeks ready for the coming of the Messiah who would lead them to the promised land of worldwide acceptance. And this hope did sustain the Geeks in the days of darkness to come.

And the Zepplin of Led did see the works of the Lord and do him glory in their songs of praise. And thusly the ringwraiths did ride and ramble on through the annals of classic rock history evermore. With the songs of Led Zepplin came the hordes of false authors, who did strive to imitate the almighty Tolkien and thusly did fail miserably. Many Geeks fell prey to the usurpers who won them over with the advertising ploy of 'The Next Best Thing Since Tolkein!'

The late 1970s were times of disillusionment for the Geeks. Many were taken by the false authors and still more by the false prophet, George Lucas. He took from the holy trilogy that which he deemed interesting and cast aside that which he did not. The dark one then added unto it lasers and flying ships and thus was born a multi-billion dollar film series.

This disheartened the Geeks for the Nerds did mock them greatly. "Ha! Ha! When was the last time your books had good movies?"

And the Geeks were silent for they had not the courage to speak of their own movie.

The 1980s came and the Geeks retreated further back into the dark underworld of their own creation. It was in this time that the sunshine ringer and the summer Tolkienist were weeded out from the ranks of the true believers. And the unworthy were cast out into the pit of eternal middle management from which there is no escape from their cubicled prisons.

This was the age of the scorned Geek. "What is Fantasy but a bunch of losers sitting in a basement playing Dungeons and Dragons? What viable contributions have they made to society and culture? Willow? A poor man's Lord of the Rings, nothing more. The Geek is a dying breed."

To Be Continued….

**That was as close as I can come to a cliffhanger with this. Don't worry, this is very much a work in progress and will remain so for as long as I can drag it out.**

**Thank You s:**

**Mavelle- As the first reviewer you made my day. **

**Me- Thank you.**

**Morwen- Wow! Three 'M' names and two 'hilarious'es in a row!**

**PirateBlacksmith-You bring the total up to three'hilarious'es!**

**Voldie on Varsity Track- Is 'spazzbucket' a compliment? I hope so.**

**Reasonably crazy- Do not fear the fangirl punctuation. It gets us all. Thank you, I shall continue preaching. Today fanfic, tomorrow… TELEVANGELISM!**

**SirNotAppearingInThisFilm- Please don't hurt your friend when you tie her up. Hope she likes it too. Oh, and what is 'SNAITF'?**

**ArcherofDarkness- Thanks for quoting it in school, I quote fics too. Actually right after posting this I saw Monty Python's The Life of Brian and I have found that it fits this oddly well.**

**Lindahoyland- So honored you reviewed this. I actually found your fics the day before I posted but bad me didn't review. Bad! And I shall do something with middle aged Fangirls. The opportunity to poke fun at my mother bowing to my Aragorn poster is too good to pass up.**

**Pippin/Rissa- You big baby. It didn't hurt that much to review. Ditz of a Talbot.**

**Chibi-Kaz- I feel sorry for your cousins. Please tell your friends to drop me a message, I'd like to see how many people this reaches. And do not despise all younger Geeks, me included.**

**Stridergal- Don't kill Star Wars. I don't really hate it (look at my username), I just make fun of it for artistic purposes. My views on slash are not quite so clear-cut. No matter how much I try I find myself being sucked into the vortex and enjoying the ride.**

**Breon Briarwood- Remember to wear the proper protective gear before you roll on the floor laughing. And make sure you can find your ass after it comes off.**

**Elektra3- Glad you considered it for your favorites list.**

**Cat Feral- Interesting theory. I'd never given much thought to it. Thank you for distributing copies, I am most flattered.**

**Navaer Lalaith- I am so honored that someone of your expertise enjoyed it.**

**The surly mermaid- Glad you liked it.**

**Varda's Servant- I hope you also find your ass and I feel sorry for Eowyn. (I named one of my Barbies that when I was little.)**

**I Stalk Legolas on Weekends- Happy hunting! . to you too.**

**Wren Craven- Blushes Thank you. I've never been called brilliant before. There's a first time for everything and it feels good. Re-reads comment and faints Genius as well? I do believe I'm swooning.**

**Pyro-maniac88- Too bad you don't get interesting assignments. I'm flattered that I got it right.**

**Earwen of the elves- For an explanation of the whole Star Wars thing see my reply to Stridergal. I'm too tired to type it again.**

**Otto's Goat- I hope you've stopped laughing by now.**

**Noldo- Represent sister! The younger generation of true Geeks should stand up for themselves and stop being ignored and generalized. We will not be pushed aside! Freedom, reasonably priced love, and a hard-boiled egg!**

**Pasha ToH- I'm still trying to get used to the idea that I'm on somebody's favorites list and author alert. If I could I'd hug you.**

**Werelemur- Bows to your appreciative gestures Thank you. Thank you very much.**

**Adelaide E- Thank you. It is now brilliant on two accounts. I'm very glad I was spot on and while I don't have any deep dark fears about it, if you want to quote my fic back to me feel free.**

**Whew! Those took me over an hour to reply to but I feel elated. Keep them coming. They are the fuel for my rather sporadic and finicky muse. Hopefully I'll update sooner next time. Until then, continue to spread the good word just don't go door to door. We don't want to compete with the Mormons.**

**Thank you all!**


	3. The Nineties and the Days of Plenty

**Welcome. Wilkommen to the third part of The gospel According to Tolkien! I am awed and amazed by the support that has been shown to me thus far and the reception this piece is getting so I will continue it. Sorry it took me so long to put up this chapter, I had a major case of writer's block. Oh and if anybody would be so kind as too make me a livejournal icon, if you know how, then I would be forever grateful. And now, without further ado…**

**The Nineties and the Days of Plenty

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The nineteen nineties brought forth unto the Geeks a new era full of promise. But the Geeks were slow to embrace the future and clung instead to the old ways and customs set down in the murky eighties. Gone were the revolutionary ways of the Hippie Geeks (as was their incense for the most part.)

The old wisdom borne out of the sixties was forsaken. Geeks wandered through halls of memory more splendid than the houses of the living and counted the names of their descent dearer than the names of their sons. Dateless high schoolers sat in chat rooms musing on heraldry or in their mother's basements asking questions of the Dungeon Master. And so the people of Tolkien fell into ruin. The line of geeks failed. The age of influence withered. The rule of the Geeks was given over to lesser authors.

The Geeks tried vainly to gather more converts among the new generation but they were few and far between. For too many children had already been corrupted by the rangers of power and the station of play. Only the truest young Geeks were able to survive past their first real school yard hazing. Many family geeks gave up on teaching their children the word. For how could the works of the Lord possibly compete with the tantalizing pleasures available in the digital age?

These tumultuous years were known as the rise of the Nerds. A new dawn of computers and machinery awaited them and the nerds surged forth led by their new guru, Bill Gates. The nerds used the power of the computers to manufacture illusions of a most glorious sort. These glamouries they used for their movies. And the Geeks did take heed. A glimmer of hope had appeared.

Some geeks desired to use this power to make their own renowned movie. "Look," the few did sayeth, "Look at the wonders that can be created. Look at Dragon Heart."

Yet the other Geeks were broken in spirit. Too many long years had gone by without hope to make them start believing. "It cannot be done," they moaned, "It will not be done."

And so the power of the computers, which could have been used for much good, was instead exploited by the Nerds. This did lead unto such testaments of the nerdish faith as The Matrix and Alien. In this period also came the reawakening of the false prophet George Lucas, from his almost (but not quite) eternal slumber. And yea, he went forth unto the newly emboldened nerds and spake thusly, "Arise sons and daughters! Arise and build for me an empire."

And the Nerds replied, "But Lord, we have already done so. For see the graven images we mass-produce, the films we make, the tomes we write. All of this for the furthering of your immortal glory."

And the Dark One saw and it was good in his eyes, as all that is evil is. Yet his hunger was insatiable. So he spoke again unto the Nerds, "You shall be rewarded for your perseverance. I shall give unto thee a movie."

At this proclamation there was much rejoicing amongst the Nerds which drowned out the sound of George Lucas turning to a minion and saying, "Somebody make me a movie, ok?" And thus was born The Phantom Menace.

It was in 1999, the year of The Phantom Menace, another film began forming. The Messiah had arisen in New Zealand and his coming had been foretold with great and mysterious portents. An elven warrior princess and a wizard on a spike were seen by many and judged to be omens of evil. In Britain a woman brought forth the books of Potter. And, as the millennium drew to aclose agreat census of all the books was taken. And lo, the Holy Trilogy did come out on top.

But the non-believers could not believe that a fantasy book could rival the great literature of old and so they held yet another census. And the works of the Lord did shine forth and win once again. At this the critics began to take notice and the long-suffering Geeks began to feel fresh life move through their veins. The hushed rumors of old became violent debates wherever the Geeks gathered to discuss the merits of Tolkien with new vigor.

And lo! When March of 2001 came it brought with it a gift for the Geeks. A marvelous trailer was seen by Geeks in disguise at such diverse movies as Spy Kids which prompted many Geeks to cast aside their masks of normalcy and proclaim to the huddled masses, "I am a Geek! I follow the true faith as set down by the Lord Tolkien. As such, I denounce all works of the false prophets of science fiction. I await the second coming of the Lord for I have seen the Messiah's face arise in New Zealand. Long live the Trilogy!" This loud affirmation did cause much strife and embarassment among families of Born Again Geeks everywhere.

As the day of reckoning approached the apprehension of the Geeks grew. What if the Trilogy was in some way maligned by the films? What if Peter Jackson could not to justice to the glory of lord Tolkien's vision? But any doubts were silenced as millions of the faithful entered the cinemas and clutch their popcorn in anticipation. A hush fell upon the Geeks and in the glow of the movie screen they did see the Shire and salvation.

At first, all seemed well in the world of the post-movie Geek. For once they were accepted by the mainstream culture. No longer did they have to hide their obsessions from the outside world. For behold, it was now 'trendy' and 'hip' to like The Lord of the Rings. Yet new schisms began to grow among the Geeks and old animosities, which had been allowed to fester, were now born anew. Purists fought Jacksonites. Canonists fought Slashers. Lay Geeks fought Born Agains. And everybody fought the Fanboys and Fangirls.

Some Geeks sought an end to the strife by attempting to unite all geeks under the shared banner of Ringers. "We should be fighting our common enemy the Nerds, not each other,"they cried but it was in vain. For the Geeks did always strive to be the only and perfect ones in everything they did. Being as such, no one group of Geeks can tolerate the others for each believes themselves to be correct and will give no leeway. Some geeks took their isolationism to such an extreme that they cursed in vain and wished that the movies had never been made. They believe the old days were best, when Geekdom was a hidden thing and the bloodlines were pure. Yet the majority of these Geeks were scorned. For how can a culture thrive if it does not infuse itself with new ideas?

And so, an old age has ended in commercialism and the Geeks now stand poised at the brink of a new era of promise and hope.

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And now for the thank you's; 

**Pasha Toh**: Thank you for the cookies and the gold star AND milk. I love cookies and milk. (And hugs.) I haven't a gold star since I was seven. Yay! I love second childhoods.

**Adelaide E**: I did shake the man who met Tolkien's hand and now that I think about it that's almost like shaking Christopher Lee's hand, which is almost like touching Peter Jackson, which almost like touching the entire cast, which is almost like touching an Oscar, which is…. It boggles the mind.

**Varda's Servant**: No, I didn't name my Barbie Arwen. I just had Eowyn and a bunch of GI Joes that doubled for orcs.

**Voldie on Varsity Track**: I will wear the term 'spazzbucket' with honor. I got another cookie!

**Angelina Sparrow**: I'm sorry I almost made you cry. Even if they were good tears. At least I know I can get the full spectrum of emotional responses.

**Frodo Fever**: I'm glad you liked it and I hope you enjoy this as well.

**RedWind730**: I'm sorry you didn't get it. You have to have a deep background in Tolkien to understand it. I can't please everybody.

**Me**: Yay! I've been praised!

**Lily the Looter**: I too walk the thin line between Geek and Nerd. Now that I know there's somebody else on it with me, would you care to tango?

**Crazyrabidfangurl**: You're not a sub-Geek. For in the truest form of Geekdom no one is better then anybody else. Can I come in the underground geek-fangirl haven, too? It sounds fun.

**Kit Thespian**: It's okay if you don't agree with my parody of religion (trust me I've developed a very tough skin about being Catholic in the part of the US where I am stuck) but I'm glad that you had enough of a sense of humor to enjoy it.

**BlueDove**: I am flattered by your outpouring of support of my creative endeavors. AKA: You ROCK!

**The Grammar Nazi**: The Led Zepplin references are to some of their songs and lyrics mainly; "The Battle of Evermore" and "Ramble On". I'm flattered that you think I'm pretty. (I personally think I look like Dominic Monaghan with boobs and badly cut hair. Not to say that I don't find him obscenely attractive, because I do. His basic facial structure just doesn't look right on me. Shudder.) I have not however stayed away from slash. I have been corrupted into a slash addict, but very little LOTR slash. Forgive me.

**SirNotAppearingInThisFilm**: Yeah, I'm a bit slow on the uptake. Can you tell? Glad you liked it!

**Majestic Moose**: Japanese comic books and caffeinated beverages, the tools to ruling the world. At least they are in my demented alternate reality. Don't worry about rambling, it's a useful skill and that's basically all that this story is. One… Big… Ramble… (It has also been proven that it only takes algebra to bore me into a comatose state so you're all right. No manslaughter charges yet.)

**Anticipationnation**: Thanks for putting me on your favorites list!

**CrystalOfEllinon**: Sorry it took so long but I took your advice.

**Stridergal Silvertongue**: Thank you it was a happy birthday. Don't worry about offending me. It doesn't happen unless I am confronted with close-minded bigots who get on other people for their lifestyle choices, it's my life not your's. Or if I'm PMSing. And don't worry, you didn't offend me.

**NiennaVala**: Thank you for the tokens of your esteem. The breakfast cereal (I trust it was Lucky Charms) has been eaten and the sloth is currently asleep on a ceiling fan. I've decided to name him Aethelred. Yay! Now Tolkienism has an official mascot.

**Reasonably Crazy**: Thanks for pimping my story on forums. Can you give me links to them? I want to try to keep track of how far this thing goes.

**Lotr**-**worshipper**: Let it be known for the record that I bear no grudge for any slight, past or present, against George Lucas. I love his works (look at my user name). I also support and love new generation Geeks, the bearers of the torch so to speak.

**Erulasse**: Another Abigail! Rapture! Thank you for reviewing the second time around. And thank you so much for reviewing that unadulterated piece of fluff that is my other story. I've been called a Philip, should I be insulted? And I really don't know where the masses should go for sustenance. Burger King?

**Rissa**: You need to see a doctor. You are a ditz. But I love you Pip. Call me you…you…you…LARISSA! (My reputation as the master of insults is secure.)

**Lady Zephyr**: Thank you for alerting me to my story being on Godawful Fanfiction's section for good stories. It alerted me to a slew of comments that have made my ego grow in leaps and bounds.

**Mortified Penguin**: You have my permission to be a disciple so go right ahead. You are now Disciple Penguin in charge of flightless water fowl.

**Almighty Shortest**: Thank you. I love ego trips. I read your bio and I think squirrel cults must be in because I tried to start one, too. Something to do with sacrificing acorns.

**Badb**: Knowing that I made your day truly makes mine.

**Poimen**: True the savior is needed. And I await its coming with you.

**Jessica**: I certainly know the kind of books you are talking about and I hate them with a passion. Thank you for the suggestion.

**Lilith of Lothlorien**: Um…about that marriage thing. Maybe we should be friends first?

**Tweeny-Weeny**: What's a GCSE? I could pretend I knew what it is but I won't bother.

**Sakari**: Wow. I'm touched by that brilliant piece of workmanship that you produced just for a simple review. It made me insanely happy. Thank you. I never thought of myself as a prophet but I could get used to it.

**Elektra Selene**: Geez! How did you find this so late? I am impressed. Thank you!

Thank you to everybody who reviewed this and everybody who just read it. But if you just read it you need to review it so that I can thank you with a clever note. And I promise that no matter how many reviews I get I will continue to reply to each and every one of them. So please, try to take me up on it. And once again, if anybody could help me either by making me a livejournal icon or telling me how I would be eternally in your debt. Stay true, my faithful friends.


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